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UNITED STATES DISC GOLF CHAMPIONSHIPS 2001 Book I. USELESSNESS Okay, this is going to be long, I mean freakishly long, probably longer than Forrest’s final round (although that wouldn’t be hard). It has been two days since I wrote my review of the Augusta Classic, and I’m ready for some more mindless dribble, I hope you are too. I’ve noticed that these reviews are a little different than most, but I like to have fun with them, actually, I use humor to hide the fact that I have already forgotten the key facts, and just rely on my ability to make stuff up. If I write this the way I have it planned out in my head, Doug (the Unaporter) won’t get this for about a week, and it will take him at least a month to post it, so by the time you all play the USDGC next year, you will be able to read about this year’s. Funny, that last sentence started out in one direction in my mind, but ended in a totally different one. Anyway, back to the fact that this is going to be long. I have top ten lists, fact and rumor lists, in and out lists, guest speakers, and if you are lucky, maybe a little bit of what actually happened there. As a side note, I received an e-mail from my sister yesterday and she put one of these things in it…J . To all of you who do that (be honest, you know who you are), what are you, 12 years old???? To be honest, my sister is cool, and I love the fact that out of the four kids in my family, at least one of us is smart. I’m sorry about the side track there, but I’ll say now that you should expect a lot more of that before this review is done, it keeps me awake. Now, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, my reviews, or in this case, the so far lack there of. I am easily sidetracked by anything, like right now, the Daily Show is on, and I am riveted. I like commas. I am not led by the "man", I punctuate as I see fit. If you don’t like it, go somewhere else. I really would have liked to have had the words "somewhere else" highlighted to send you to a random web site, but I don’t know how to do that sort of thing, so just pretend. I hope by now you have realized that there was no need to start another paragraph, seeing how I have not changed the subject (or picked one for that matter), I think that I want to see how long I can string you along. You are doing well. If you are tired of this, feel free to e-mail your comments to Ireallydontcarewhatyouthink@Icantbelieveyouarestillreadingthis.com. One day I will write an entire review without using the space bar, it looks really annoying. I have heard quite a few people comment on those who have been writing reviews for different web sites, or on message boards, and it seems that some of you don’t like what we have to say. Well, screw you. Maybe you shouldn’t read them, or better yet, go to a tournament and write your own review. You should be so lucky that someone would tell you what happened at a tournament that you didn’t bother to go to yourself. If you did go to the tournament, why are you reading a review? You know what happened, you were there. So neigh. So I guess at this point you are wondering if I really went to the USDGC, well I didn’t. Actually I did, but you never would have known because I didn’t cash. Confused? Man, I haven’t even begun yet. I did go, and I had a great time, when I wasn’t playing that is. The style of golf that you need to play there is the style that I love the most (smart and somewhat safe), but it is the golf that I am the worst at. I’m really good at low, turnover roc shots, and guess what, not a one was to be found in Rock Hill. Hmmm, Rock Hill , maybe we should begin our little adventure there….
Book II. ARRIVAL Let me start by saying that Rock Hill smells funny. Not funny like "ha ha", but more like "what in the world is that stench??" I noticed it when I pulled into town around 6:30 p.m. on Tuesday, I didn’t care much because Winthrop was close. Steve was nice enough to let me off work a little early so I could get there at a reasonable time to be able to see some of the course before Wed. practice. A soon as I parked the car, I ran into Larry Leonard and Barry Schultz, and we talked the rest of the daylight away about Gran Turismo 3. Laugh if you want, but the game is pretty cool. I decided to go to the Econo Lodge where we had reservations to see if Forrest has shown up yet, and if not, I would just go ahead and check in myself. Well, Forrest was there but our reservations were not. After a few calls to Doug (who was still in Georgia and not leaving for a few more hours), we found out that the reservations were at the Microtel up the street. Now this is strange because nowhere on the reservation slip does it say Microtel, in fact, it does say Econo Lodge on it. Go figure. After checking in Forrest and I went to Pizza Hut to get something with mushrooms on it so we could have some ammunition for when Todd and Doug show up later that evening. I decided to sleep on the floor that night, and leave the other bed open for Doug when he came in. In hindsight, I probably should have let him have the floor, I figure that he was asleep in the truck since it hit GA. 400. They finally arrived around 2 in the morning, with only a few comments that I took the floor, and a few minor explosions (although I really can’t say who they were from). On Wed. morning, we went to practice the course, which if I don’t say a million times later, looked awesome. Hole #1 was as last year, easy as pie (remember how I feel about this), but hole #2 had some gravel poured on it near the basket a day or two prior. Now, it is a tougher par 4 than before, but I liked it even more than before. There were parking blocks though, and this could let some disc by, and not always let them back in which made for (in my eyes) intermittent out of bounds. Oh well, everyone has to deal with it, not just me. Holes #4,5,6 were combined into one hole to make a "reachable" par 4. I really liked this, even though I could not on a consistent basis (meaning ever) reach the green. Some long arms could, but there was a lot of o.b. to land in if you were less than perfect. I’m glad that this hole was like this, it was fun to watch people go o.b. over and over again. In practice it was fine to try it, but during the rounds it was going to be played safe by me. On to #14, the mando hole. First off, let me say that the only reason I think that there should be a mando is for safety (Hole 5 at Wills, #2 at Redan, #8 at Winthrop), so I can see killing the big hyzer shot because of the stadium (which would be a huge shot for someone to hyzer one into it). I don’t think that I would have put the two other mandos there, but then again, I didn’t design the course, who am I to say anything about them. Actually, that is all I have to say about them, I really didn’t mind them at all. In fact, if you ever missed the triple mando, you have no right to complain about it at all. I was really easy to hit, although I did miss it in the final round, thus forfeiting my right to say anything. The only thing I would suggest for next year is that I think the drop zone should have one of the rubber mats to tee from. I slipped a little on the fourth round because it was slick, and I imagine that others may have slipped worse than I. If anyone hasn’t played on either of the Innova mats or the Fly 18 mats, you really should check them out, they are awesome. The only hole that I actually have a problem with is #17. Now, I don’t have a problem with it because of high scores (I birdied it four for four), in a tournament I encourage others to get high scores! My problem is not all of the o.b., my problem is with rules that change hole per hole. When you tee off on 17, if you don’t land in bounds, you need to re tee. Fine. But if you land in bounds, and skip into the water (o.b.), you have to re tee as well. This is bad. I wont get into a rant (I have too many more coming up), but I feel that the rules should be for everyone, for every hole. The next thing we may see at a tournament would be that a disc is only o.b. if it is stuck in a tree over your head, which would give Brad an unfair disadvantage over (under) every one. Now I praise. Winthrop has been my favorite course since I first played it in 1998. The current hole #5 is my favorite hole on the planet, it has placement, distance, and danger. Play well and you are rewarded, play poorly, and well, ask Forrest. I love listening to people complain about the 12th hole, measuring 888. I want everyone to listen to those who complain, and ask them what their tee shot was. I bet you they say that I throw a (some sharp edged disc) down the middle and over the road. That is quite possibly the stupidest shot that you could throw. Look, 250’ sidearm or turnover, 300’ roc shot, 338’ hyzer with whatever you like to the green, putt, birdie. This leaves an extra stroke to two putt if you like. Keep in mind, that at no time was I able to do any of those shots, but please, it is only because I suck that I do not par. Most people who complain think that a hole should be drive, approach. putt, they don’t see approach, drive, approach, putt. It angers me, really. Hole #16, one of the most beautiful holes that I have ever played. It was on the cover of the DGWN a few issues ago, I believe with (I think?) Jim Myers driving on it. I played the final round with him, he is a really cool guy. If that wasn’t him on the cover, my last statement stands, but probably should have been placed somewhere else. Until you play a tournament round on Winthrop, you will never have the 1000 yard stare. It is what disc golfers get when they have been on the course too long. It is indeed a wonderful thing. I really can’t wait until I get to tell you about the first round when Forrest hits the first tree. After some practice, Forrest, Todd, Doug, and I went to Innova’s warehouse for a little while. Wow. That is really all I can say about that. Actually, I can say this, I saw the plate for the roc stamp, which could possibly be the coolest thing that I have ever seen, and since you guys are no longer using it, can I have it? Book III. THE FIG BAR Disgusting. Before the player’s meeting, we stopped at the dollar store to get something to drink, this is where Todd destroyed a lot of first rounds for people. He bought these things called Fig Bars, which were a poor copy of Fig Newtons (ummm tasty). Dry and hard they were, but he insisted on giving them to as many people as he could. Poor Avery, he ate so many. Mine just left me today. Avery shot a 77 for the first round, I shot a 75, and Forrest shot a 74. We all ate from the bar of fig. The first tee is an awesome thing, not the hole itself (which is easy), but the whole experience. Everyone’s shot was being broadcasted live over the Internet via Discgolf Media.com, and Andy Green would announce "representing (your state), (your name). The gallery would applaud for you, then you threw, if it was good, they would applaud again, if it was bad, they would be silent. Folks, this is where the fun begins. The hole is straight foreword, a 200’ shot straight will net you an easy two. You do have to go through a rather large gap about 50’ down the fairway, but only nervousness would make you miss it. I was surprised at how many people missed the gap (in all fairness, I missed it), but what I saw when Forrest’s group teed off was something that I never expected. There is a tree, lets call it the closest possible tree to the tee pad, about 15’ forward, and a good 2’ to the left of the tee pad. It is so out of play, that most people don’t even know that it is there. When Andy green said "now representing the state of Georgia, Forrest Callaway" there was the usual applause, a thwack, and then uncontrollable laughter. The applause was the gallery, the thwack was Forrest throwing is first drive into that tree, and the laughter was Doug and I right behind the tee pad, doubled over. I think I managed to say good luck, but after that drive, luck wasn’t going to be able to save him.
I’ll just say that I shot a 75, I’ll spare you the stories of my triple circle 11 on the 1200 footer, it would just make me look bad, and I’m not here to make myself look bad, just Forrest. If anyone is able to fetch the video feed of him hitting the tree, let me know, I need a new screen saver. I don’t really know what everyone else shot, because it really didn’t matter to me, if it matters to you, I suggest that you go elsewhere for the results or a real play by play, because this isn’t going to be one. Although, I need to mention that it is true about the first tree incident. You can’t lie with a pie chart, they always speak the truth. That night, Forrest and I went to Midtown Sundries for the nine ball tournament which we showed up fashionably (way too) late. It appears that Harold Hampton won the event, although I have seen no evidence of this anywhere, and since this is my review, I can say that I won. You know what? I just did win. Take that. Jill (not a disc golfer), was having her 21st birthday party there while Forrest kicked my but in pool, stole my fries. To retaliate for her sobriety, I bought her a tequila shooter. It would be a shame to leave a bar sober on your 21st wouldn’t you say? Forrest then destroyed me in Golden Tee. Hmm, at least I didn’t hit the first tree. Stokely (have you ever noticed that most people refer to him as Stokely and not Scott? I’ll stop doing that from now on) and Lacey came to our hotel room and the six of us stayed up late joking around about something or other. I’d like to tell you what it was, but they came over every night, so I can’t remember what we talked about each night. So there. All I can say is that we were up really late, and due to our pitiful rounds, Forrest and I had to get up really early.
Book IV. ROUND 2 ELECTRIC BOOGALOO I’ve always wanted to write that. On Friday morning, I had to be up at the crack of dawn to warm up for the 9:10 tee time. My car isn’t a morning vehicle, and it lets me know by backfiring due to the emissions illegal exhaust rigging I had to do. In the parking lot of the Hotel it let out this incredible backfire, and without missing a beat, I yelled in my best Robin Williams voice "Good morning Rock Hill!", it was really funny when I did it, but now that I read it, it seems kind of stupid. Write you own reviews if you don’t like it. Neigh. Nothing special about the second round except for the fact that I shot a 67, which I guess was okay, but I still left a lot of shots out there. Forrest shot a 70, which was okay for him, but since I had the better score, he got the floor, and I got the bed. After the round, we went to the flymart, and then to dinner, which sucked. Once we go to the hotel, Forrest went to sleep. About 20 minutes late, Scott and Lacey came in again and we talked for an hour or so. We were pretty loud, but Forrest still slept like a baby and didn’t believe that they came by at all.
Doug caddied for me during the round, and I can tell he was less than impressed. My ability to go out of bounds rivals no other. My 67 was able to move my tee time from 9:10 until 10:30, which was good since I’d need to sleep so I could post some numbers in the morning. Book V. NO PUTT Man, did I post some numbers on Saturday. I started off okay, but the wheels came off and I tumbled. Now that I think about it, I didn’t start okay. The wheels were never on! It began with a missed 12’ putt on hole #1. It was a very up and down round, well, mostly down. Using the course par, I’ll give you a little rundown. Par, birdie, bogey, birdie, birdie, par, par, birdie, double bogey, birdie, quadruple bogey, quadruple bogey, par, bogey, par, bogey, birdie, par. I shot a 75. It was the worst putting day I have had in quite some time, Doug will back me up on that. In fact, here is you guest speaker Doug.. "It was the worst I have ever seen him putt". There you have it, I suck. Forrest shot a 70 again, and the fool got the bed back, and I was on the floor again. It always surprises me what some golfers think that a basket should catch. I’m starting to believe that they just want to bitch about something so that they would appear to be a better golfer than they are, and that they just had some bad luck, rather than admit that the threw a poor putt that shouldn’t ever have gone in. What really gets me is that in Augusta, Avery had three in one round that really should have stayed in, I mean really should have stayed, but he moved on, now we have a "pro" here who has one that shouldn’t have stuck on the moon fall out, and we have to hear his bitching about it. Grow up please. Probably from the excessive amount that I have been playing lately (Augusta, USDGC), I started to develop a blister on the ring finger of my throwing hand. I didn’t notice it till the last couple of holes of that round, but during the practice round afterwards, it really started to get annoying. After the round (it could have been after the second, I can’t remember) one of the officials was looking for some medical tape for someone who hurt their ankle. I knew I had some, and as I was going to get it I asked who it was. Scott had twisted his ankle on the 5th hole, and I had an idea that I am kicking myself for not doing. The tape was in this little tin to keep it clean, and I was going to open it, and write "Scott Stokely is a dork" on it, then close it up and give it to the official. I would have loved to have seen the expression on his face if I had done it. Oh well, you live and learn. Forrest and I decided that it wasn’t worth playing a full round and we decided to go back to the hotel, get cleaned up and get some dinner. We were invited to dinner by Scott, who was hosting the Discraft team meeting. Forrest and I showed up late again, which was probably a good thing since neither of us are on the Discraft team, so we sat in the table next to them. After dinner, we went to a comedy club in Charlotte, NC which was about 30 min away. I enjoy comedy, I really do, but wow, was that ever horrible. We were packed into the room pretty tightly, and my claustrophobia was setting in when I noticed what was going on. We were in a coffee house. My goodness do I hate coffee houses. I hate most people who go to coffee houses. Buy a Mr. Coffee and stay home! By now, I’m good and aggravated, then it happens. Have you seen the end of Austin Powers when they do that nudity thing where at the last second, they hold something up so you can’t see anything? Well they tried that at the club, and they failed, horribly. Not only was the skit not funny or interesting, I got Oz’ed. My brother and I came up with that phrase for the HBO show Oz that we liked. Somewhere during the second season they went on a kick to show full frontal male nudity. We got good at sensing when it would happen, and we could turn away before we saw anything, but if you slipped, you got Oz’ed. At no point when I was planning this trip, or just thinking about it, did I ever expect, or want to get Oz’ed. I was so mad that I walked out, and just waited by the car for Forrest, Scott, and Lacey. I was told later that it was a pretty lame show for what they normally do, and that they are usually much funnier. I totally believe that they are, that was just bad timing U.S.D.G.C. IN AND OUT LIST (official) In: O.B. on hole #17 In: Scott going into the last hole of
the tournament needing a 3 to shoot a 57 In: Me In: Me telling Forrest that if I beat
him on Sat. by ten strokes, he has to wear argyle socks on Sunday In: Winthrop University Gold + course In: Hole #5 In: Forrest bashing Book VI. THE WALKING WET So we all wake up on Sunday morning at the crack, and it is raining on and off. I decide that because it is raining, this would be a good day not to warm up. I bought some more tape for my finger, I was out you know because Scott needed about 100 yards to tape up his ankle. It really wasn’t a good idea for me to use tape, because I had no grip on the disc, and my first two drives were released very early. I managed to save par on hole one, but on two I got a double circle seven. I traded in Doug for a new caddie, Todd(before the round that is, it is not like I fired Ot or anything). I guess I felt the need to show them both how bad I could actually play. So while Doug minded the store, Todd and I played in the rain. Todd is a great caddie, because whenever I threw a bad shot (just about every one), he would just stand there with his arms crossed and shake his head. When we got to hole #5, I was back together (so I thought) and I was ready to charge. My drive, and well my second drive were great, leaving me with about 350’ to the pin, 300’ of it over water. As we were walking up to the shot I mentioned to Todd that the blister was hurting me like crazy whenever I threw. He said that I should just open it to relieve the pressure, sounds good to me, riiippp, uh oh. What happened next just deserves its own paragraph. The rain was very slight, if any at all, but I used my birdie bag (Brock rules) to make sure that I had a good, secure grip. I marked my lie, and I was going through my practice routine for the shot, when my light follow through caused the disc to rub on the open blister causing me to flinch like a little girl. Oh yeah, I let go of the disc then and it flew about 10’ behind me. I didn’t know what to feel, but I can tell you I was surprised. I was really scared that I might have hit some of the people who were standing behind me. I looked down at the disc, up at my group, and just pulled another disc from my bag and without saying a word, I went to the new lie, and threw across to the green. The guys in my group weren’t sure if that when I let the first disc go, did it constitute a shot. In my eyes, beyond whatever the rules may say, if you do something that stupid, you should have to throw from the new lie. I didn’t bitch about it, actually it was kind of funny to me, I really to this day can’t believe that it actually happened. I give the guys in my group credit though, they held their laughter in. I wouldn’t blame them if the let it go, I wouldn’t have been mad either, it was freaking funny. That is my second time this year that I have thrown backwards on a 1000+’ hole. This time though, it wasn’t on purpose. I think I’ll start telling people that I was practicing my 180 degree spin drop. I was able to birdie 7,8,and 9 to close out the front nine, but the damage had been done, does it seem like the wind is picking up a little? By the end of hole #11, the wind was definitely going strong, we knew what was coming, rain. So we walk into the 888’ hole in the pouring rain, beautiful. My second shot turned over like crazy into the wind and flew o.b. into the parking lot. My next shot from just in front of the 350’ mark couldn’t carry and landed o.b. as well. I decided to lay up, approach and two putt for a double circle wet nine. The rain was wild at times, and I’m glad it stopped for the next hole, and that Forrest would only have to play the 1200’ hole in the rain, and not both 11 and 12, so I thought. It turns out he didn’t have to play either of those holes in the rain. I finished by missing the mando, landing at the bases of various trees, but by getting birdies on 17 and 18. It felt good to birdie the last hole there, hey, it felt good to play the last hole there. Some of us can’t say that, can we? U.S.D.G.C. RUMOR AND FACT LIST (not so official) Rumor: Hole #1 in my opinion is the easiest
hole (despite the scorecards) Rumor: The fireturd is fast Rumor: The triple mando on hole #14 is
unfair Rumor: Climo was going to win Rumor: By the fourth round, hole #1 was
still the easiest Rumor: I’m good Book VII. OVER After the final round was over for me, I sat by the 18th green to eat some lunch and wait for Forrest to come in. I knew he was only two groups away so he should be right in, I waited a while and I didn’t see him. I lost track of time so I didn’t know how many groups actually came by, but the head scorekeeper Brian G. from Augusta came up to me and told me what happened. Oh no, another pie chart!
Completely frustrated, I walked to watch some golf. I was going to go to the leader group, but I really wanted to find out how Lesli and Kathy were playing. Kathy was playing in the advanced women’s division, and I believe she was in 5th place going into their final round, which they got to play Winthrop Gold +, but without most of the artificial o.b., which I believe is just Winthrop Gold, or maybe Winthrop Gold +/-, who knows? I saw her play hole #13, and after which I asked her how she was doing. She told me that she had just taken a 13 and an 11, and that she was a little upset with them. I told her not to think about it, because she hasn’t played the hard holes yet. I was very proud of that comment, I knew that it wasn’t true, but the look of horror on her face was well worth the $225 entry fee. I told her that I was kidding and wished her luck on the rest of her round. I headed up to the tee of #13 to watch some people tee off in the shade, and to heckle those that I knew. I saw Sue Stephens hit a ~250 shot for a six on the 888’ hole which was really cool. Lesli had just taken a 10, so I though it would be best not to say anything, and to just let her do her thing. I watched a few people tee off on #13, and was surprised how many of them either went o.b., or just missed the hole completely. I decided to follow the group of John E. McCray, Mike (Worm) Young, Eric Tracey, and Steve Rico. Doug was John’s caddie, and I wondered who was watching the trailer? I knew Todd was with the leader group, getting more air time than the leaders themselves no doubt. John is sponsored ( I believe) by Gateway, and I think that Dave is getting his moneys worth, John is a class act. Doug was straining under the massive weight of John’s bag, which we figure to actually contain everything that he owns. We heard him mention something about looking for a roast in his golf bag. If there was a roast, it wouldn’t win the weirdest thing to eat during a tournament, Doug and his custard pie was good for Oregon Park, and my rice pilaf at Earlwood was just plain strange, but my gingerbread house will take all honors. I’d like to go into the results, but, …actually I don’t want to go into the results. Barry did win, preventing Kenny from having a hat trick, Juliana cashed, Lesli won the women’s championship, Brad did very well, he tied with Scott, and each got nearly two grand each. Barry won a lot of money. He won like 8 grand, and Kenny got 5 grand for second. That is freaking huge! Nikki Ross won the advanced women’s championship. Barry got 8 grand! Forrest hit the first tree! Phil didn’t make the top 20, which is good and bad. It is bad because I knew that is what he wanted, and I know he is good enough to get it. It is good because it means he will have to play in at least one tournament next year to qualify for next year. Note: We only saw him once this year before Augusta, and that was the local Thursday night doubles the day before. 8 grand! The distance finals was a pretty cool thing to watch, the only problem was that some kids from a company called Sound on Wheels or something to that nature brought this really tacky Lexus and blasted some really tasteless music full of swear words and racial slang. Thankfully, Harold Duval put a stop to the type of music they were playing, and made them put in something a little more appropriate. Steve Brinster laid down a royal thrashing on everyone in the finals making an insane amount of throws across the lake. Forrest had an excuse, of course, he was trying to cross the wide side of the lake. Me thinks that he was trying to avoid the trees on the right as much as possible. Innova donated a box of new tee birds, eagles, firebirds and such for the guys to throw, which was really nice of them, because Discraft sponsored the event. This tournament was so cool, I got to help out for a little on Thursday by spotting for the shuttles between holes 2 and 3. I was to make sure that the golf carts didn’t round the corner while people were putting on hole #2. On Saturday morning, I went to the Women’s National Championship site at Eagle’s Landing to help set some things up for the Disc Landing crew. They are really nice people by the way, support them if you can. Although they were very minor parts, I can say that I did something to make it the greatest tournament ever. Okay, I could have not been there and it still would have been the greatest, but at least I did something. At least I finished the tournament. U.S.D.G.C. TOP TEN LIST (not even close to being official) TOP 10 GREATEST THINGS THAT HAPPENED #10. The lights going out on Jonathan
during the player’s meeting [Ed: Wasn't it Harold this year?] That was just a recap, I know lots of other things happened, but I am really tired and you are lucky that I didn’t just make some of those things up. In fact, I think you are lucky that I went as far as I have without making anything up, well without making it up on purpose that is. I really could have, for all you know, the whole 180 spin drop could have been an elaborate plan devised by my group to have something funny to talk about. I’d just thought that I’d let you know I just hit page 8 on this review, and I still have to go back and fill in some things that happened, and I might just add in another pie chart because I love them so much. I can’t believe that so many reviews were written without them in the past. I am now raising the bar. Oh, maybe I should get back to the point, or points if you are counting. One of the days that we were up there was Worm’s birthday. Apparently he had a really good time that night. He came out to the course the next morning a little groggy with and American flag shaved into the back of his head, with the words "U.S.", and "Open" shaved into the sides. I asked Worm if he was coherent when Cam (or the artist formerly known as Cam) shaved his head. He replied "sort of, hee, hee". Ahh, the youth of today. I’m not sure if it exists, but I’d like to nominate Worm for the "most polite person on tour" award. On a totally unrelated topic, have you ever watched people jump putt? It is really funny to see how many of them do it illegally. I love watching people do it, but it gets a little silly sometimes. I rarely (never) call it because no one ever hits them when they are done wrong. Don’t get me wrong, there are people doing it correctly, but the vast majority are not even close. I played a round with a guy this week that was so bad at it. Not only would he miss, he would jump straight up (not forward), and wait until just before his feet hit the ground before he released the putt. He was very close to going full circle and being legal again. This is the part of the review that I didn’t want to write, but I was forced to by some people who brought it up. DNF. Look, I’ll say right away that I can see not finishing an event do to an injury, or an emergency that you need to attend to, but the topic that I’d like to vent on is DNFing due to poor play. What the hell is wrong with you people. Let me ask you this, did you ever think, for a second, about the hundreds of people who would have killed for the chance to play in the event? Do you realize that there are golfers out there that for whatever reason could not qualify, but would have played their hearts out during the event just because they could? What I would like from you people is to go up to people who didn’t play in the event, and ask them if they would have like to, if they say yes, let them know that you didn’t feel like playing, and that you just wasted their spot. I snuck in with a sponsor’s exemption, which I am entirely grateful for (thanks Lynx), and I fell like I played like bung (I’m sure they did too), but did the thought of quitting ever cross my mind? No, I wasn’t going to turn to Doug and say, hey man, I know this was in all right your spot that I’m taking, but I don’t want to play anymore, I think that I’m doing poorly. What I would like is for those who quit, look at whose spot you took, you know, the first person in line that would have gotten the spot if you didn’t, and apologize. I want it in writing, I’d like to see them posted on this site. My word, am I pissed off right now. I’m going to take a break now, I’ll come back when I can ‘troll my self (my mom will like that).
Okay, one day later and I am kind of back to a normal, more pleasant frame of mind. This is good for a number of reasons, not just because I am about to type in my thanks for the event, but I believe that it helps keep the body healthy. I say this as I light a cigarette, and open a tall, cold, red and white sandwich, …poster boy, don’t you think? I always feel kind of strange saying thank you a good week after the fact, but in this case, I made sure to make my rounds before I left Winthrop Sunday evening. Still, there were so many people that worked so well together to make this the best tournament that I have ever been to, I’m not going to take the chance of someone not knowing how much I appreciate everything that everyone did. You know, it really isn’t just the things they provided for the players that made everything special, it is also the unsolicited shit that they had to eat from the spoiled, ungrateful players. Not every player was that way, but you have to know that there are the special few (many) that believe that there is no reasonable explanation for things not being perfect, and their way. In July, I ran my first tournament and saw first hand how little things that go wrong are usually the biggest problems in the world to players. The reason is simple, players take the staff for granted. Look, the staff doesn’t need to be there for you. The spotters would rather watch the leader group tee off than see you (me) throw o.b. four times on one hole. But you know what, they were there, they spotted, the drove the shuttles, they woke up at the crack of dawn to not play golf. These people took the week off of work just to run this event for you, not because they were expecting some disc golf karma to give them an ace or something. What I’m saying isn’t USDGC specific, think about every other event you have played, and most importantly, think of the ones you are going to play, and remember to thank the people who ran the event, you selfish, do for me bastards. Okay, so I’m mad again. I about to end page nine if anyone is counting. I’m probably going to have to start another paragraph to thank everyone, I’d hate for anyone to read this far into a paragraph to find anything of importance. Book VIII. WHEN DOES IT END? Okay, I’d like to point out a few things that happened and how a staff member reacted to them that stuck out in my mind. During the distance qualifying, after a handful of people had already thrown, it became apparent that the range finder wasn’t working properly. Of course there was a whole bunch of whining that "I threw farther than him" yadda, yadda, yadda, so the official, Billy Crump (The nature man, he was the nature boy until this point) amidst all of the bitching and crying from both sides, stepped up and made his decision. He said all right, this is the way it is going to be, we are going to do it this way, these people can throw now, then these will throw, and I don’t care who cries about it. This is the way it is going to be. I think that the point that I am trying to make here is that in all of the confusion, he was able to take control of the situation, and was not going to back down from his decision. He couldn’t win either way that he chose, and I think he realized it, but he made his decision, and he stuck to it. I really like to see that kind of management in action, and Billy did a great job. Thanks Billy. Keep in mind, that I throw as far as a six year old girl and was not in the distance competition. I really didn’t care either way the decision went, I’m just glad to see the situation was handled with authority. Another person that impressed me was Ryan Baker. Oh, the poor guy had a run in with Doug on hole 14 (triple mando) Wed afternoon. It really wasn’t much of a run in per say, it was more like an experience. Doug was shaken by the whole mando thing (the idea of it that is), and he decided to vent his opinion at Ryan. Doug took his time, and if I remember correctly, spoke like a sailor. I admire Doug’s ability to speak his mind whenever he pleases, but Ryan didn’t make the mando, and probably got a little more than he expected when he came to the hole to do a little maintenance. You can see and hear Doug’s rant on the upcoming "Too Hot for the USDGC" video due out by Christmas. You can order it online at: youfellforitagain.com. Going back to the unsolicited shit comment I made earlier, this was a perfect example. Ryan just stood there and took it very calmly, at least until I felt awkward enough to leave the area. I had to leave you see, if I stayed for the rest of the conversation, Doug might have blamed it on me. I knew this review would be long, but wow, this even impresses me. I guess that I’ll actually say thank you at this point. To all of you who worked out on this tournament, umm… Thank You. Everything from the practice area to the 18th green was awesome. I’m really at a loss for words, this was the best tournament that I have ever been to. All of you went out of your ways to make this happen, and there is no way to thank you enough for all of your work. If it means anything, I appreciate it all. I truly do, more than I would have last year, I have a better understanding on what goes into running a small event, and can only imagine the amount of work that needed to be done for something of this size. I don’t think that anyone can truly understand the amount of time and effort that was put into the USDGC (I won’t lie and say that I do), I’m sure there were things that happened that I didn’t notice, but thanks for those things as well. To all of you I raise my beer (but I’ll still drink it for me), and can only say thanks. So, if you haven’t guessed it by now, this really wasn’t a review of the USDGC. It warped itself into (was always planned to be) a non relenting bash on Forrest. Lets face it folks, he deserves it. I feel that it is my duty to write a disclaimer though, so here it is: Kids, don’t try this at home. This is all in good humor, and should be left to trained professionals such as myself. No Excel file has been damaged in the making of any of the charts showing the demise of Forrest, a trained Microsoft employee was present at all times during their creation. The opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect Lynx Disc Golf Services in any way (or my actual opinions), unless they actually post this, then it is all their fault. My goodness, I think I’m done.
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